My first official blog and I think it couldn’t come at a better time. Yesterday, I had a huge fight with my mum. It's been a long time coming, really. She believes I'm ungrateful, and I honestly don't blame her one bit. The fact is I never really appreciated my mum. I took her for granted, and I see that now. She’s not on speaking terms with me, and it hurts like crazy. I wish I could talk to her, and tell her how I’m feeling inside, but the truth is we never had that kind of relationship.  I talked to girl friends about their relationships with their mum, and I got to admit I envy the bond they share. (It basically involves lots of chocolates, hugs, movies and “deep & meaningful” conversations.) Don’t get me wrong, my mum isn’t a cold bitch. In fact, she’s the complete opposite. She’s a caring, thoughtful, beautiful individual. She raised me, my brother and my four sisters practically on her own. (I’m the eldest.) She says we are “her greatest accomplishment.” And I know she means it.

I think I get the ‘not speaking about my troubles’ thing from mum. Like me, she has a hard time expressing her emotions and feelings. Mum doesn’t really like to speak about her problems, and like her, I keep things bottled up. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s all I know. I say to myself I should change, but saying one thing, and actually doing it are entirely different. I’ve always been close to my mum, but anyone looking in wouldn’t think so. We don’t really communicate at all. In fact, I can’t even tell my mum I love her. It’s not that I don’t love her, because believe me I do, it’s just something we never say to each other. My siblings, however, we’re very verry loving towards one another. (In fact, they all cried when I packed my things and left. Poor loves L ) My best friend thought it weird; that my mum and I don’t verbalise our love for one another. I remember feeling really defensive. Just because we don’t say it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. I feel her love, you know? Still. Sometimes you need to hear it, even if it’s once in a blue moon.

As I try to think about the last time I actually told my mum I loved her, nothing comes to mind – minus a few times I was really young; and that saddens me. It seems so easy, just saying a few simple, yet effective words to someone who you feel affection for and admire, yet as I think about actually doing it, I feel awkward inside. Yep, you read right. Awkward. I can’t tell my mum I love her, because I feel awkward. Not awkward in some school-yard crush way, or even fear of rejection. Awkward in a way that I can’t even describe. Mostly, a part of me feels ashamed. I tell my boy friend I love him, and we’ve only been dating a little over three months. THREE MONTHS. And I can’t tell my mum of over 21 years, the woman who gave birth to me, changed my diapers, who held me in her arms and listened to me cry on her shoulder about the bullies at school, who taught me all I needed to know as a growing female, who held on for dear life as I learnt to drive, who I laughed with at the prospect of getting married, who told me that I can achieve anything I put my mind to.. I can’t tell this influential, strong woman in my life that I love her.  That my life as I know it wouldn’t be what it is now without her in it. That no other woman I have ever met measures up or will ever measure up to her. I feel I can’t express the beautiful song my heart plays just for her; that my love for all that she’s done for our family, all that she’s sacrificed, all that she’s become, will stay hidden & locked up. How sad is that.

I love my mum more than anything; she’s always made me felt protected and safe. I make the situation at hand seem petty, but in actual fact it’s turned out to be a tough situation. She doesn’t want to see/talk to me anymore.  She basically told me that she’s cutting me out of her life. I told her that I’ll respect her wishes, and packed my things and left. I was cold, and we both said spiteful things to each other. I tried to convince myself on the drive over to my boy friend’s house that this is what she wanted. But I can’t help but feel broken. My mum has always been in my life. I know my mum; she’s a stubborn and a proud woman. She won’t bend, until I do, and even then, she’ll be unforgiving. Truth is I’m as stubborn & hard-headed as her. Last night as I was trying in vain to get some sleep, I figured I won’t be seeing mum anymore. And as I rubbed angry tears out of my eyes, I promised myself that I won’t miss all the times we sat outside in her garden, helping dig out weeds that continued to plague her rose beds, or the times we jumped into the car at one in the morning with all the kids to go down to McDonalds and splurge on a “midnight snack”, or just sit around the kitchen hearing her cook up a storm, while I yabbered on about so-and-so and who’s with who on the telephone. The thought of not seeing her as much as I do/did just cuts me deep. Not being at home with her, dressed in pj’s at three in the afternoon sitting in the lounge room and watching our favourite shows in silence like we used to will hurt. Because even though we didn’t exchange conversation often, the silence was just enough, you know? Even though she never said she loved me on a frequent basis, I know in my heart of hearts that she does. And for all that she’s ever done for me in my life.. that’s more than enough.